Pride
The end of June is here. On paper, that means Pride month ends. But the concept of Pride -like the concepts, memories, hopes, and people we celebrate with all monthly recognitions – never truly go away. Pride is a celebration, a refresher, to keep us energized and excited to love who we are. On that note, I want to share a letter I wrote to my fellow U.S. service members on 21 June 2022, when I was still in the U.S. Air Force. I think the message still resonates four years later.
I am an American Airman. I am an officer appointed to defend the Constitution. I happen to be gay. And my husband happens to be from Taiwan. We met in 2016 in Taiwan just after I received my commission, but before I began Active Duty. I knew very quickly that I was falling hard for him…I had to work hard to convince him I was worth it. I said “I love you” the first time to him after about two months of dating. He responded with a very polite “Thank you.”
Spoiler alert – I won him over eventually. We have established a good life for ourselves. We have family and friends who love us more than we could have ever imagined. He supports me when I am tired. He encourages me to believe in myself when I doubt my abilities. He reminds me to keep a cool head when all I want is to do is fully interrogate the TRICARE insurance representative on the phone and ask why they can’t help me get an appointment. In short, he inspires me to be a better version of myself.
Have you ever wondered about your civil rights while in a dentist’s office?
As I mentioned, my husband is from Taiwan. We met while I was studying Mandarin Chinese there. We actually communicate 85% of the time in Chinese at home. He is working on his English, but as anyone who has studied foreign language knows, it’s not easy. As a result, I try to go with him to any appointments, such as the DMV, the doctor, or the dentist.
Earlier this week, he had to have a bone graft done on one of his teeth. He had an implant that needed to be redone. Nothing very fun. The dentist we saw was very professional, and also used very professional language. Words like “blood plasma,” “bone extraction,” and “cadaver.” You know, words that everyone learns in English 101. So my husband needs me in the room at these appointments to make sure he is clear on what the procedure will be. I translate, and I hold my husband’s hand as they numb him up. He squeezes my hand – hard – whenever the numbing wears off. I have an unfortunate front-row seat to the surgery. It is very hard to watch someone you love be in pain.
I considered what we would have done if we were not allowed to be married. What if they wouldn’t let me go with him to his appointments? What if the surgery somehow went wrong, and he was by himself back there? I’m not sure who would be more scared: me or him. This spurred more lines of thought. What if something terrible happened to me, and he were unable to claim the life insurance I would want for him? Going back further, how would he have even come to the U.S. in the first place? He applied for the K-1 fiancé visa, a true luxury that we could not have afforded if we had met a few years earlier, before 2015. He would not have been allowed to come to the U.S. under the pretense of being my partner. I am sure there are other queer, international couples who did so before 2015. I am grateful for, and admire, their tenacity.
Truly, we are lucky we met after 2015. I’ll come back to 2015 in a minute.
Why have Pride Month? Why have Black History Month? Why have Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month? Why recognize anything at all? It takes up time, it takes up space in our inboxes, it demands attention when we just want to focus on the jobs we are paid to do, and diverts our emotional energies when maybe we already had enough on our plate to begin with. The other day I saw a very salient reminder of why I want to celebrate Pride: “Law enforcement agencies are…monitoring an active threat from a young Arizona man who says on his Telegram accounts that he is “leading the war” against retail giant Target for its Pride Month merchandise and children’s clothing line and has promised to “hunt LGBT supporters” at the stores. In videos posted to his Telegram and YouTube accounts, sometimes filmed at Target stores, he encourages others to go the stores as well.” (AP News, Amanda Seitz,10 Jun 2022. White supremacists are riling up thousands on social media.)
I hate reading news like this. Why should I have to look over my shoulder in a Target, of all places? It’s a grocery store! But I have to know. I have to remain informed. I cannot take my freedoms, or my husband, for granted. We have Pride month, and this recognition was hard-won. We have parades in the street and celebrate the beauty of our love, and companies everywhere will slap a rainbow motif on 5-10% of their products and say they embrace our community (for this month, at least). But still there are people who
despise us.
Even if I am anxious, I cannot cower. Even if someone shouts “faggot” at me, I cannot stand down. I know who I am. I am an American Airman. I am an officer appointed to defend the Constitution. I happen to be gay. And my husband happens to be from Taiwan. So I will celebrate Pride, and I will celebrate after, and I will remain so grateful to have a wonderful man in my life who inspires me to be a better person tomorrow.
To finish, I will return to 2015, one year before I met my husband. In 2015, history was made, and the lens through which we view our Constitution changed. It did not constrict, nor contract, nor remove, nor oppress. In 2015, the fabric of our civil rights expanded to include my husband and me. On 26 June 2015, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled in Obergefell et al v. Hodges, Director, Ohio Department of Health, et al the following:
“The history of marriage as a union between two persons of the opposite sex marks the beginning of these cases. To the respondents, it would demean a timeless institution if marriage were extended to same-sex couples. But the petitioners, far from seeking to devalue marriage, seek it for themselves because of their respect—and need—for its privileges and responsibilities, as illustrated by the petitioners’ own experiences.” P. 1
“The nature of injustice is that we may not always see it in our own times. The generations that wrote and ratified the Bill of Rights and the Fourteenth Amendment did not presume to know the extent of freedom in all its dimensions, and so they entrusted future generations a charter protecting the right of all person to enjoy liberty as we learn its meaning.” P. 11
“No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for
themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right. The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit is reversed. It is so ordered.” P. 28