Who's the Cool Girl Now?
I have a close friend who says to me, “Patrick, you’re secretly very cool.” Color me gob smacked, because I never once growing up considered myself cool. Cool was something other people had…God-given, a different caste, something that implied a level of social success. I was part of the “misfit” kid groups growing up, and happily so. I was silly, dorky, and nerdy. I was too earnest in my feelings yet too scared to confidently own them. In my mind, the “cool kids” didn’t have this problem. “Cool kids” were effortless. They didn’t care about anything, and this aloofness gave off a perception of strength and untouchability. Cool kids were well-liked and invited to parties – I was not.
Fast forwarding through my adolescence, I gained confidence over time. I began to believe in myself, and the power of my own being, more. I came out as gay. I commissioned as an officer in the U.S. Air Force. I had interesting tidbits about me – I spoke Chinese, I lived abroad in South Korea, and I was dating a hot model from Taiwan (he’s never actually been a model, but I always tell him he should consider it. At least consider it for me!). But I remained afraid to really let my Freak Flag fly.
That all changed when I met someone who remains one of my closest friends to this day. He was another officer in the military, and also gay. FABULOUSLY gay. I had never had a close gay friend before, let alone an out gay coworker. I was fascinated with him. I tried to subtly hint to him that I, too, was a fellow gay. I used ambiguous language like, “My Partner” and never mentioned a single shred of attraction to girls. On our third day of working together, right as he walked in to work and before he could even hit me with a “Good Morning!,” I asked in a hushed whisper:
“Hey, can I ask you something?”
He immediately could tell from my tone and lowered gaze that this was serious.
“Yea, of course, what’s up?”
I took a beat… “Are you gay?”
He blinked, a little confused. “Um. Yea. I am.”
I let out a big sigh of relief. Then, with true dramatic reveal, not unlike the unmasking of a villain in a Scooby-Doo plot, I disclosed to him:
“Me too!!!”
And like most folks who watch a Scooby-Doo reveal may feel, my friend looked at me, both unimpressed and bemused, and simply said,
“Yea girl, I know.”
Damn. He clocked me from the start!
This friend is the same friend who later would tell me I secretly had the power of “cool.” If not for him, I don’t think I would have ever discovered this facet about myself. In fact, I don’t think I would understand what “cool” meant if not for him. We started off simple at first. Cargo shorts, while functional, really were not that cool to wear if you wanted to dress-to-impress. He also took me to my first gay club (again, I was engaged to be married to a Man, and I had never been to a gay club), and I finally understood what people meant when they talked about “safe spaces.” He let me wear one of his black tank tops, and it felt SCANDALOUS! My shoulders, my tender arm pits, and my light chest hair exposed to the world, like some classic harlot?? It was exhilarating! Call me “Rose-by-Kate-Winslet” because I was dancing in the underbelly of the Titanic and having the time of my life!
I felt powerful. I felt capable. I wanted MORE! I wanted to be more, see more, do more! I was hungry to be seen, to be sexy, to be “that girl” when I walked into a room and everyone turned to look. And so I tried, I impersonated, I “put on the ritz.” I dabbled in eyeliner, I wore black tank tops, and I just let loose and cared about having a good time for myself and not for others. I think it was around this time that my friend said to me, “you’re secretly very cool.” When I asked why he said that and tried to explain how that simply wasn’t true, he took my hand in true sister fashion and looked me dead in the eyes. “Patrick. I know a lot of cool people, and a lot of people who think they are cool. Some people think being beautiful or having money makes you cool, but usually those are some of the most boring people in a room. You’re yourself, and you encourage others to be themselves. THAT’S cool.”
As I walked home to my apartment that night, I thought about the gravity of what my friend said. Was I really cool? If I was never cool before, could I become cool now? Did I even know what cool was?
Now, I think cool means…being yourself and not being afraid of who you really are. I think it means being yourself whether or not other people will like what you’re bringing to the table. It means showing up unapologetically as you, and everyone else can take it or leave it.
I think about Charli XCX, a pop star who has sung, written, and talked a lot about what “cool” is. I think about how “cool” invariably changes over time and with each generation (e.g., being related to anything queer over a hundred years ago was definitely NOT cool; now, some people think being queer is cool, or even grounds for trying too hard to be cool). I think about supermodels and divas, these incarnations of cool, like Grace Jones and Eartha Kitt and many, many others, who make their own choices and dare you to challenge them. If that’s the type of cool I can be, I will be happy with that.
In the end, I still don’t know if I would ever describe myself as “cool.” And frankly, I really don’t know if a lot of people would describe me that way (I hope I’m seen as silly and kind before being seen as cool). That’s not to downplay what my friend said about me, I just think I still inextricably link the definition of “cool” to the same definition I had as a kid – something unattainable and “other”.
But I also have the maturity now to realize that maybe those other kids weren’t as cool as I thought they were when I was young. And at the same time, I also realize that they felt so “other” to me because I was unwilling to let my own guard down and see that they weren’t really a threat, and were just like me: scared, awkward, and figuring out how to navigate all the complexity and sheer weirdness of life.
To close, I want to ask you this. Are you cool? Do you think you're cool? Do you want to be cool? If you're unsure, here are some things I want you to consider:
1. Be cool or don't - there is no try.
2. Authenticity is the sexiest way to show off.
3. Commit to the bit. Even if it feels like just a bit to you, no one else has to know that you're faking it.